Wednesday, March 12, 2014


***In case I haven't mentioned, I have a co-worker that has been supporting me through the last 9 months.  She also has a son with autism.  One of the first things she told me is that I am allowed one pity party each month (it was unlimited for the first couple months.)  It is a time to just let out everything that the demands of life have been holding in.  I haven't had one in a while, but I did tonight and this is the result.***

Life is tough, really tough.  No matter how much you plan, it will never go that way exactly.  We never could have planned for autism.  A year ago, I never thought our life would consist of so many appointments.  A year ago, we were planning to expand our family.  A year ago, we were thinking about moving, to have more space for a larger family.  A year ago, I found out a stressful aspect of my job would be going away.  This toughness of life is what is keeping me up WAY to late tonight.  So many nights I just can't turn my brain off, trying to balance this new normal without feeling like something is getting neglected.

Honestly, I am so excited when I find out a friend is expecting.  But, I REALLY wish that could be me.  We chose to put plans for baby #2 on hold when Parker was first referred at 18 months.  Now, I am not sure if that will ever happen.  Not because I am concerned about another child being autistic, but because it takes money and time and energy and MONEY to give Parker everything he deserves.

Honestly, I love having play dates with friends.  But, it is REALLY hard to be around kids Parker's age, especially as the gap in development gets wider.  It breaks my heart when I hear a toddler calling out "mama" when it has taken hours of work to get an "mmm" from Parker (but it make me SO proud.)

Honestly, I am REALLY jealous of most of the people around me.  "I wish we could afford a house like that."  "I wish I could stay at home with Parker."  I wish, I wish, I wish...  I dream of what it would be like if we had a little more money and a little more time.

Honestly, I question every choice I have made for my family over the last year.  Am I really doing what is best for Parker, for all of us?  Is Parker doing as well as he could elsewhere, or should we have chosen a different course?  Am I focusing too much on myself and not enough on Parker and Jimmy?

Honestly, I feel that God has blessed me with more than I deserve.  I have an amazing husband who puts up with my crap (not an easy task.)  I have a happy and healthy little boy that I know loves me more than just about anything, even though he can't say it.  I have an amazing family and circle of friends (you) for support.

Let's continue to "do life" together, even when it gets hard.


  1. This post reminded me of a post that another mama posted at recently. Keep truckin' Lesa! We love you!

    1. Thanks Annie, your support really means lot to all of us! I will have to check out that blog too.

  2. Your faith and strength during this whole ordeal has been truly inspiring. It is hard, but you are doing so well! God sees it, and so can I. Parker is lucky to have you, and Jimmy, as his parents. Every picture and video you post of him just shows how much he is loved. He is one amazing kid.
    It's hard, but God has supplied a support system for y'all, and I'm glad it's been helpful for you. You will all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers *hugs*