Honestly

***In case I haven't mentioned, I have a co-worker that has been supporting me through the last 9 months.  She also has a son with autism.  One of the first things she told me is that I am allowed one pity party each month (it was unlimited for the first couple months.)  It is a time to just let out everything that the demands of life have been holding in.  I haven't had one in a while, but I did tonight and this is the result.***

Life is tough, really tough.  No matter how much you plan, it will never go that way exactly.  We never could have planned for autism.  A year ago, I never thought our life would consist of so many appointments.  A year ago, we were planning to expand our family.  A year ago, we were thinking about moving, to have more space for a larger family.  A year ago, I found out a stressful aspect of my job would be going away.  This toughness of life is what is keeping me up WAY to late tonight.  So many nights I just can't turn my brain off, trying to balance this new normal without feeling like something is getting neglected.

Honestly, I am so excited when I find out a friend is expecting.  But, I REALLY wish that could be me.  We chose to put plans for baby #2 on hold when Parker was first referred at 18 months.  Now, I am not sure if that will ever happen.  Not because I am concerned about another child being autistic, but because it takes money and time and energy and MONEY to give Parker everything he deserves.

Honestly, I love having play dates with friends.  But, it is REALLY hard to be around kids Parker's age, especially as the gap in development gets wider.  It breaks my heart when I hear a toddler calling out "mama" when it has taken hours of work to get an "mmm" from Parker (but it make me SO proud.)

Honestly, I am REALLY jealous of most of the people around me.  "I wish we could afford a house like that."  "I wish I could stay at home with Parker."  I wish, I wish, I wish...  I dream of what it would be like if we had a little more money and a little more time.

Honestly, I question every choice I have made for my family over the last year.  Am I really doing what is best for Parker, for all of us?  Is Parker doing as well as he could elsewhere, or should we have chosen a different course?  Am I focusing too much on myself and not enough on Parker and Jimmy?

Honestly, I feel that God has blessed me with more than I deserve.  I have an amazing husband who puts up with my crap (not an easy task.)  I have a happy and healthy little boy that I know loves me more than just about anything, even though he can't say it.  I have an amazing family and circle of friends (you) for support.

Let's continue to "do life" together, even when it gets hard.