***In case I haven't mentioned, I have a co-worker that has been supporting me through the last 9 months. She also has a son with autism. One of the first things she told me is that I am allowed one pity party each month (it was unlimited for the first couple months.) It is a time to just let out everything that the demands of life have been holding in. I haven't had one in a while, but I did tonight and this is the result.***
Life is tough, really tough. No matter how much you plan, it will never go that way exactly. We never could have planned for autism. A year ago, I never thought our life would consist of so many appointments. A year ago, we were planning to expand our family. A year ago, we were thinking about moving, to have more space for a larger family. A year ago, I found out a stressful aspect of my job would be going away. This toughness of life is what is keeping me up WAY to late tonight. So many nights I just can't turn my brain off, trying to balance this new normal without feeling like something is getting neglected.
Honestly, I am so excited when I find out a friend is expecting. But, I REALLY wish that could be me. We chose to put plans for baby #2 on hold when Parker was first referred at 18 months. Now, I am not sure if that will ever happen. Not because I am concerned about another child being autistic, but because it takes money and time and energy and MONEY to give Parker everything he deserves.
Honestly, I love having play dates with friends. But, it is REALLY hard to be around kids Parker's age, especially as the gap in development gets wider. It breaks my heart when I hear a toddler calling out "mama" when it has taken hours of work to get an "mmm" from Parker (but it make me SO proud.)
Honestly, I am REALLY jealous of most of the people around me. "I wish we could afford a house like that." "I wish I could stay at home with Parker." I wish, I wish, I wish... I dream of what it would be like if we had a little more money and a little more time.
Honestly, I question every choice I have made for my family over the last year. Am I really doing what is best for Parker, for all of us? Is Parker doing as well as he could elsewhere, or should we have chosen a different course? Am I focusing too much on myself and not enough on Parker and Jimmy?
Honestly, I feel that God has blessed me with more than I deserve. I have an amazing husband who puts up with my crap (not an easy task.) I have a happy and healthy little boy that I know loves me more than just about anything, even though he can't say it. I have an amazing family and circle of friends (you) for support.
Let's continue to "do life" together, even when it gets hard.